I swear I'm going to have to poison these bitches. Not only did they find a way on to my balcony by ripping off two mounting points, but they shit all over the place. I just shovelled the shit yesterday (literally), and I'm more pissed than ever that they'd come back and do this to me! Not the best way to get me out of bed.

This morning I stumbled out of bed and walked to the couch when I saw the two bitches that hang out on my window above my door there again. I opened the door right away—barefoot and only wearing my underwear—and shoo'd them off. There was one stupid one that forgot how he got in there. He kept hitting the net, then trying another part of the net and hitting. This fucker deserved to die. Eventually he more or less gave up and was cornered. I wanted to knock him over the head with the shovel, but at the same time I couldn't believe how pathetic and helpless it was. I felt sorry for the stupid disease spreader.

I hope my neighbours in the building behind me enjoyed the show.

I reinforced the netting a little bit, but I'm going to have to grab some duct tape to finish the job later. If they still manage to get around it, I'm going to buy a couple 2x4s to fix the side where they tore the net down. I'm going to get rid of these if it's the last thing I do! Hrmph... and it might be the last thing I do if I slip when I'm putting the net up. I'm afraid of heights, and I'm convinced I'm going to plummet to my death.

They're a lot smarter than I give them credit for. But I don't know why they just don't go somehwere else! The nest is gone, all their shit was gone... ARGHHHH! I hate pigeons!

If you read my last post you know why I'm still posting right now. Again. Oh well.

back to the gym
I think I'm ready to hit the gym again, finally. I know my knee is still not right, and I still haven't had it looked at. So maybe my first trip to the gym will be my last one, but it's worth a shot. I think I'm going to start off very easy. Just a half hour on an elliptical and then I'll give it a day to see how my knee's holding up. And yes... I'm going to finally make my way to see the doctor about it. I've waited long enough for it to fix it's self, I'm getting stir crazy!

what i'm shooting for when i'm there
Because I can't let a good self defense rest, here are some pics I found to show what I'm trying to do, and more importantly, what I'm not trying to do.


This is what I'm trying to not do. His legs look okay, but those arms and chest... wow. I'm aware that he's probably got enough strength in those muscles to kick my ass though. If I continue to just lose weight, this is exactly what I'm going to look like. I'd rather deal with my current pot belly than be like this.

Apologies to the guy in the pic... I know he's probably more of an athlete than I'll ever be.

I'm bracketing my age a bit with these pics:

This guy's lower body is probably very similar to mine. Maybe a little slimmer, since I have fairly feminine thighs (shhhhh). Slim midsection, with a slightly larger torso creating a little bit of a triangle.


This d00d's got the chest and arms I'm looking for, more or less. Maybe a little less arm, and a little more chest. But that's it.

Both of these guys aren't too far off... I'm sure within a year I could be there. They're probably around the same weight as me now, maybe the middle d00d is a little less, and the bottom a little more. Whatever. I can look like I'm there in less than a year, but to be there physically is another story. And that's what it's all about.

With my body I want to go from this acceptable look:


To this functional, yet still habitable body:


...without going too far and ending up all skeletal like this:


Hey, if I had another body as a daily driver, I'd be perfectly content where I am now. I want to be functional, athletic, manoeuverable (read flexible), and bloody fast. It's funny, because the same things I've looked for with cars are the same things I want for my body.

I was watching a rerun of Scrubs today (when will they give up and bring the show in this season already)? There was one storyline where Turk was unhappy with the weight he was gaining, so he started working out with Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: "I hate my body."

Turk: What!?

Dr. Cox: Do you understand that the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle!

Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls!

That's exactly what's happened this past month. I've been unhappy with my body right up until I hit a "healthy" weight, and then I started slacking off. I haven't hit my goals yet, I just conveniently forgot about them when it suited me. Well now if it helps... I hate my body.

pigeon eviction
I didn't even give the pigeons a warning, I just gave them a straight eviction. I waited until they were out during the day and I put up a net. The same net I ripped down when I moved in because I thought it looked ugly. It was cheap and pretty quick to do too since the nails were already there.

I'm not looking forward to shovelling the shit at all. It's grossing me out just to think about it. There's so much, everywhere. I'm sure my shoes are ruined on top of it. They're gone... and that's all that matters. As I put up the net, some of them came back and chilled out on my bedroom window ledge. I gave them the finger and told them to "fuck off, you're evicted, you dirty pieces of shit." Yes, I'm the crazy guy on the fifth floor.

The pathetic thing is that it's so quiet now. I almost miss the coo cooing and the rustling on the air conditioner. It was like I had my own wild bird cage right outside my door. I've always liked birds. I had a couple parakeets growing up, and there's that whole thing I secretly admitted to about birdwatching in another post. These are dirty disease spreading rats of the sky, but I secretly wonder where they are and how they're doing tonight.

Love this gal... she's exactly where I'm with caffeine:


It's hard for me to find the right balance... being able to do it in moderation. As soon as I get a bit of a buzz I want to go crazy with it. I hate it. I'm currently sitting on the edge right now, debating whether I should grab another hit, even though I know if I do it now I'll be up all night. Then I'll spend the time between 3-5am coming down, just hoping I'll be able to fall asleep, not knowing what to do with myself, not enough energy to actually do anything, but not tired enough to sleep. Hoping the solution will just come out of nowhere. It sucks.

If there are any posts today after this one tonight you know what's happened.

Breathe... breathe deeeeeeper... Phew. That's much better. I don't know what came over me last night. So I'm a little crazy sometimes. Come to think of it, that might explain why so many of the personal blogs I read have some type of reference to mental health in the title! I fit right in...

If anyone cares when I woke up this morning (on the couch for the third night in a row), I was completely devoid of stress and just wore what I felt like. I'm going suit shopping later this winter when I'm doing rebuying everything else.

I was talking to Sue today before going out, and I told her that last night I was frustrated about not having a suit that fit me anymore. She said "yeah, I've been meaning it tell you that you look too small. It's gotten past the point where it looks good anymore, and you're starting to look gross." Hah! If there's one thing I love about Sue it's her bluntonesty. Sometimes I hate it too, but today she made me laugh.

I've heard it before, I mean I've complained about it before. I think the last comment was about Julie, and how she's been bring a lot of home cooked food to work lately. Really good home cooked food. It's been very hard to log everything in fitday lately because of it. I'm sure I underestimate the calories. Specifially I'm underestimating the fat content. Good fat of course, she uses a lot of olive oil. Today she brought some salmon and rice. Ahhhh, great stuff. But I'm a little worried she might be partially doing it because she's been saying I'm getting too skinny.

I thought about it. I think about things a lot, especially when I hear it from two different people. Even today Sue brought it up to Kim, and Kim said "yeah, I think he looks good now, but I wouldn't go any further." I keep saying that I want to stay around the same weight, maybe a bit less, but build some muscle. That's been the plan for a while now.

None of these people have known me when I was smaller than this. I think that has a lot to do with why they can't see me looking good with a little less of me to go around. I'm not at my ideal weight... it doesn't matter what I look like to them! I know guides are not accurate, but there are a lot of estimates that point to me being on the upper side of a healthy weight.

As far as BMI is concerned, right now I'm 24.9. That's exactly the upper end of a healthy weight (18.5 - 24.9). Actually, that's how I was last week... this week I'm over a little.

I've done a couple body fat calculators... there are many out there. Some use different measurements from different parts of your body. I also have my scale. Between all of the ones I've done, I'm somewhere around 22-25% body fat. I've been reading 15-18 is healthy, and athletes can be 5-12. Yeah, HUGE difference there.

Some calculators go a little crazy. This one tells me my ideal weight is 134! I have a small frame. Always have. Most others I've seen though aren't quite so extreme. This one says I should be 158. I'm somewhat close there. This one estimates it to be 139-169. Pretty big range there! Hah. I've determined that I looked and felt best when I was around 145-150... so what's the big deal?

I like to concentrate on the parts of me that I'm happy with. I'm happy with the fat I have from the chest up. I can deal with a bit of the double chin, I know my skin isn't as elastic as it used to be. My arms, while small look like they'll be able to show off some definition when I start working them. Everything from my waist down I'm very happy with... ;) It's just this pot belly and love handles that I'm tired of dealing with.

I know you can't target fat loss, but that's the only place I really have any to lose! If I lose any fat it has to come from there! That's the plan.

I found a link to this article about manorexia yesterday, but I can't find the original blog. In the comments a lot of women spoke up and said something about how they want their men to have a bit of meat on them. They don't want to deal with someone who's all skin and bones. I understand that completely. I love women with some meat too... did I mention my current crush on Sara Ramirez? Fuck, she's hotter than hot!

But that's not necessarily what I want for me. I think there's a bit more to go before I get to the point where I'm done. My weight might not be so bad right now, but I really need to trade this fat for some muscle. I think now is finally the time I shift to working out... lifting weights. I'll still have to watch what I eat... probably closer than I did before. When I was cycling it was easy. Just make sure you eat enough to keep yourself full of energy. Maybe run a 1000 calorie deficit if you really want to. And to make sure you're eating lots of carbs. Simple.

Working out is a different animal completely. It'll be harder to balance what I'm eating with working out. It's a completely different set of needs. Lots of protein, maybe not too much fat. I've been avoiding the softcore gay pr0n magazines (Men's Health and stuff like that), but I think it's time. Time to get a little motivated, especially now that I've hit a plateau for the past month. This is the first month I haven't lost any weight since I started! Crazy stuff!

Tomorrow I'm going to have a talk with Phil so I can see what I need to do to get started... for real this time!

As an aside... holey shit did I ever have another good day shopping today! There's a Winners that opened up near my work recently, and I had no idea how much cool stuff they have! I'm going to have to make regular visits to check on their new stock when I go next door to Starbucks (gawd, I'm such a mindless consumer... when the hell did this happen)?

I absolutely love that I can go into a store, try on anything in a medium and have it fit well! Same with 32/32 pants! Sport coats or blazers or whatever you call them, I haven't figured out yet. I've never really worn one before. I think 40 is about right so far. Maybe more, maybe less. My way too big for me suit is a 42, but some of the stuff I tried on the past two days was a little tight around 38. Ehhh, whatever. I bought three pairs of proper dress pants. Lovin' it! I want to wear these all the time now! This is bloody fun!

Then again... since when did I start caring what other people think?

It's been a while since I've posted. It's been a busy couple weeks, not to mention I've overextended my online persona a bit too much at one time. It happens. I go on overkill for a while, then completely give up on it. I haven't gone this far offline in a while. I've still got 19 unread emails in my inbox (no spam). [sigh] Too much email, too many pics on flickr, too much partying, too much IMing, too much blogging, too much everything. I had no time to breathe. I think my break's about over now.

So if I've ignored your email sometime in the past two weeks don't take it personally... I've been doing it to everybody. I will get back to you... maybe if I'm still up after this post.

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Great news since my last post with my pics! Night walk - playground was featured in Torontoist's Torontoist + Flickr Issue #15. I'm really excited about that. It's the first time since photography class in grade 10 (and again in 11) that anyone's actually looked at anything I've done. I'm not a regular flickr whore yet, but damn... I'm really starting to enjoy it.

If any of you have a flickr account I'd love to add you to my contacts! Here's mine, btw.

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I've got a whole series of pics to share from Chicago last weekend. It was actually a really good weekend, especially considering it's a work-related function. I went down to Graph Expo with the Graphic Arts Magazine to help cover the event, and to take pictures. I'm also looking for my main job, to see what type of equipment we might be interested in buying (don't know why I'm linking to an "under construction" page... jeez those are so 1997). Maybe get some ideas.

Phil and I went down Saturday morning at 6:25. Yeah... a little early. I figured we might as well get as much time there as we could, taking into account the time we're off work. I got home Friday night a bit late, so we just stayed up and hung out. Ate a lot. A lot of a lot. Crap.

Off topic for a sec (but on topic for the blog), I haven't logged anything on fitday for a week now, and I've actually gained two pounds! It's not bad considering all the crap I ate in Chicago, but wow. I'm going to pick it back up again, but it's hard to keep motivated. I've been eating reasonably well over the past month, but I've barely lost at all. I've gone to around 163.5ish from 165. Now I'm closer to around 165 again. [sigh] Not really good, but I'm going to take some time off to see what happens. Will I gain a shitload this month, or will the lessons I learned be lifelong ones? I mean even today, I ended up at Taco Bell after a viewing (more on that later), and only ate one burrito and a half diet cola / quarter orange, quarter root beer (yeah, I'm still a kid like that when I have access to the fountain). Big improvement over the six pack of tacos I used to eat (it's a funeral tradition).

Anyway... so we landed in Chicago Saturday morning. We were too tired to do anything so we went to the hotel to take a nap. Nope. No naps for us, it was way too early. Instead we went downtown in our Pontiac Grand Prix GT. We really lucked out with that car, actually. I hate domestic cars... mostly, and this one was no exception. But 260 horse pulling 3500 pounds? Not bad, not bad at all. 20 horse more than my car, but 700 pounds too. It was quick, but not fast. Like any other full sized American car it handled like shit though. But power... it had power.

We didn't get out of the car downtown. We were a little delerious after the lack of sleep. We took some pics, got used to the layout of the city. I'm very impressed with the size of the downtown area. I was expecting something akin to Detroit, just nicer. Downtown was almost like a Toronto-ish version of a small New York, with a little Detroit thrown in for good measure. Yeah... awesome description, eh? I instantly felt at home. I love the way the lake is right there. I love that it's clean. I could see myself there any day of the week.

Don't get me wrong, I love New York. There is no greater city in North America (that I've been to), but I'm a little lost there. It's a little too much of everything. Excessive. Chicago has a more homey feel to it. It's like a dazzling version of Toronto. I really like the transit loop, with the subways above the street. It might block off a lot of light and make it harder to drive, but it's fun, and looks great.

After taking a nap back at the hotel we went out early to see a bit of the city. The subway was actually right outside our hotel. We need this in Toronto. It's such a big deal. We were staying right beside the airport, and the subway was right there. Two bucks to get into the city. I would stay out there again (the hotels are much cheaper by the airport). I wouldn't even need a car, it's that good.

We found a huge crew shooting a commercial. They had a couple old black Oldsmobiles, and a huge crew. For a commercial, we questioned? We found out later it's for Allstate insurance. The next day they threw those cars off this building and into the river.




You can view a video someone else made here. I wish we were around to see that. What would you do if there was no intarweb? I never would have found out about that!

We ended up at a huge restaurant called Weber Grill. Not sure, but I think they have something to do with the barbeque guys. Great steak, good beer. That's where the night started to make a turn for the worse. Hehe. I had two beers. We were a bit early for the dinner rush, which worked out perfectly. Great steaks. I'd go back.

Pre-drinking. It should be banned. I don't want to get too deep into the details... it was a messy, messy night. Ask me in real life or in email, I have enough stories to last a lifetime. We drank too much, too quickly, and in the wrong places. We ended up at Excalibur.

We were a bit early, so it was a bit dead. After about 15 minutes we were asked to visit Starbucks and come back. I'm not sure where we went after that. Blah blah blah... two AM... and we were gone just as the cops pulled up. We took a $35 cab ride back to the hotel.

It was a little hard to get motivated to get to the show. We showed up around 3, took some pictures and left. We were introduced to the media area. This was the coolest part! We had access to a room with computers all along the walls and free food! Sandwiches, cheese and crackers... awesome.

Note to self - be sure to take advantage of this media designation. There's actually a lot of benefits to being a member of the media. I wish I knew about this before... I've been there for six years now and I had no idea it was that cool! It's time to start milking it... I've got six years to make up for!

The show was okay... no sense in boring anyone over the details. I mean it's cool if you're into it, but if you want that you can see it on the magazine's site when it gets updated (not for a while though). We actually need to start updating the site often, but that's another story for another day.

Phil and I were more interested in the anaesthesia conference in the hall across from us. I love medical professional women. So much nicer than the women in printing (mostly wives of printing men).

Right after the show we were invited to the Xerox PIXI awards show. They gave awards out to printers who had shown something cool or something. There was actually some pretty neat stuff there. I absolutely loved their Best of Show winner, a book called Fear. Super cool optical illusions, downright eerie pics... scary stuff, and it looked marvellous.

This is probably where I gained the most weight. The food was awesome. Shredded porn sandwiches, hand filled ravioli, some kind of yummy chicken, wowowowow! Great food. Lots of food. We hit up most of the tables, but unfortunately filled up before finding the roast beef table. Great food. I felt like I never ate before.

The show let out early, so we took a walk around Navy Pier for some pics. I got a bunch of stained glass pics inside, then we went out and took pictures of the art around the place. Good fun, but we were bloody tired and passed out as soon as we got back to the hotel.

The next day at the show was more of the same. We had a few beers to help pass the time. We had some organizational problems, so we ended up staying later than we had hoped. No time to go shopping. I really wanted to go back to the H&M to pick up this shirt I saw the night before. Maybe grab some shoes too. I need to get a couple pairs of shoes then I'll be done with shoes for a while. I need some beige chunky sneakers and some dark brown oxford or monk strap shoes. Maybe some proper black dress shoes too. Anyway...

We went straight toward the airport at 5:00 to catch our plane at 9:15. Yeah, we were early, but we didn't want to take a chance witht the 5:00 traffic. It was bad traffic. Took us an hour and a half (instead of the usual 25 minutes). The signs rerouting us around construction in the city were horrible. Absolutely horrible. The first half hour took us in a loop which brought us back to the convention centre.

We checked in after dropping the car off at 7:00. Our flight was delayed. Then again, and again. I think we left around 10:30, but it was all just a blur at this point. I ended up sitting beside this super tall women's basketball player. Cute chick... I should have talked to her, but maybe I was a little intimidated by her height. Her ass was almost at the level of my chest when she bent over to pick something up. Uhhh, not like I was noticing or anything.

Hurray for Chicago! A set of my pics is available here.

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I made a trip to H&M today to pick up the shirt I saw in Chicago (last one on the rack, just my size), and holey shit, everything looked GREAT on me! You'll have to excuse me, but it was an awesome feeling to be able to try everything on and have it all fit so well. That hasn't happened in years.

Today was the viewing for Kim's grandfather. Not the happiest thing ever. Dog... this is making me sound really petty I know. I liked him a lot, and I'm saddened by the loss for me and especially for the family. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I'm a little frustrated trying to find clothes for tomorrow's funeral. (if you haven't figured me out by this point, I spend most of my time engaged so deeply in the minute details that I rarely care about the big picture... works well when I'm trying to avoid thinking of something... works horrible when I'm stuck thinking of something shitty)

I got home with my new clothes and started trying them on. I figured I'd be able to throw something together for tomorrow. We're supposed to be properly dressed, which I understand means suits and stuff... but of course whatever makes you comfortable. I went home thinking I'd be able to wear one of my new sweaters under a blazer, and I'd be able to find everything else in my closet. Yeah. I stress a lot over dressing up... it's something I've never been comfortable doing.

Looking through my closet, I stared by finding a shirt to wear under my sweater. I'm trying to do that whole dress shirt under the the sweater thing I hadn't done since grade 8. Yeah, I was a geek, so what? All my shirts were too big, or had too big collars. I love big collars, just not with this. I tried and retried on this one big white shirt, whose sole purpose was to wear to one funeral one time, and put it on. It actually looked pretty good, more casual, but not bad. I think I'd actually wear it out, and for tomorrow I figured I could tuck it in and it'd work. So that was done.

Pants were another story. I thought I'd be able to wear my grey khakis with red stripes (but dress khakis, I swear)! No. I never knew there was a difference between dress pants and khakis until recently. They fit like khakis. Not cool at all. The I looked at my other "dress" pants. They weren't dress pants at all. They were all just casual pants cut like jeans but made from different fabric. What the hell?

Then there were two more choices. My dark grey casual pants (creased), with cream stripes. It actually works with my sweater quite well. But they're way too baggy. Then there were my suit pants. One charcoal and one navy with olive pinstripes. Yeah. The charcoal ones make me look like MC Hammer. I can't even get myself to try on the navy ones after trying on the jacket.

My two jackets. I figured I could get away with wearing one of them. My charcoal one is a four button. Gross! It might have been cool that one year I bought it, but I've been wearing it since. After coming back from Poland I retired it. That means it goes in the retired pile, never to be seen until it comes back one day (but will it really)? The navy one is fine. Just fine... maybe if I was 40 pounds heavier. It looks like I'm a kid playing dress up.

Come to think of it, I was probably just a bit bigger than I am now when I bought that suit. What a bunch of asstards in that store where I bought it. I paid a shitload for it too. I'm a retard. That's what happens when you're a raver who's going to his high school sweetheart's wedding and wants to impress. [sigh] So that one's a complete write off as well.

So now I'm left not dressed up, with nothing to wear. Uhhh, however that expression goes. Blame the tiredness of a post that isn't finished until after 2:00am. Oh yeah, and before anyone says "I wish I had that problem..." yes I'm complaining, but I really am happy about it!

And to top it all off, this is far too introspective for a public blog! W00 h00!

Monday night I took a little walk around the area for a couple hours to take some pics. Not too many seemed to come out as well as I had hoped, but there were a few.


For this one I was just walking down Mount Pleasant. I wasn't expecting anything from it really, but it turned out a lot better than I thought.


I didn't even catch the humour in this sign until after I started shooting it. :) I just wanted to document the East York sign before it disappeared.


I got sand in my vag tripod.


This pic made it all worth it. I got very lucky. I started only shooting the bench, which looked great. I got lucky because a car drove by at the right time to light the side of the bench. I'm not 100% happy with the composition, but it was very hard to frame with the camera resting on the ground. I love the hazy sky from all the light pollution.

I'm heading off to Chicago for the weekend, but I'll be stuck working at a trade show most of the time. Hopefully I'll get a chance to put up some pics while I'm there.

I've spent the last few days going a little crazy taking pictures. Five days, 3.3 gigs, 881 pictures. I've figured out a hell of a lot with this camera, and by now I'd say I'm pretty comfortable with it. It's all quantity though... there's really not all that much to show yet.

Saturday we took a trip down to Niagara Falls (and yes, I'm kicking myself for missing Nuit Blanche), and we had a chance to take some pics. There really didn't seem to be all that much to take pictures of... I don't know if it was just me or what. We certainly took a lot anyway... while we were walking around, Sue took a tonne of pics of random things. It's really easy to get shutter happy.

Since then I've been doing a little night photography and I've been dabbling in HDR. I've always loved night photography, but HDR is a new thing for me. I'm sure I'll get more in depth about it soon, in fact I think once I understand it a bit better I'm going to write an actual article about it. Why not?

I've got a few shots (out of the 881) that are actually worth showing. I'm sure there are more, but I have to really get down to sorting through them. Not an easy task.

Click photos to view larger.

This is Giles and Kim's dog Molson. He started chasing me around the room every time I brought out the camera. I was lucky enough to grab this shot of him just before he rammed his nose in the lens.


Sue unexpectedly took this one of me. I had no pic for FPiR: 165 so here's one.


Here Sue's telling me that she's not going to laugh.


My first attempt at an HDR image. Not quite so good. I think it's the type of image that just doesn't work well for it. It was worth a shot.


This one worked. I wish it wasn't at work and I had something cooler for a background than a static loading dock, but what can you do when you're at work and you notice the sun's going down?


Here's me thinking I might want to try doing some product shots some day. I bought some cheap lights from Ikea, learned the custom white balance feature (WOW), pulled my curtains over a table and went to work. Unfortunately I didn't realize that a reflective bottle would reflect me, so if you look closely you can see me holding a paper towel over the lamp while I'm in my underwear. Awesome!