Breathe... breathe deeeeeeper... Phew. That's much better. I don't know what came over me last night. So I'm a little crazy sometimes. Come to think of it, that might explain why so many of the personal blogs I read have some type of reference to mental health in the title! I fit right in...

If anyone cares when I woke up this morning (on the couch for the third night in a row), I was completely devoid of stress and just wore what I felt like. I'm going suit shopping later this winter when I'm doing rebuying everything else.

I was talking to Sue today before going out, and I told her that last night I was frustrated about not having a suit that fit me anymore. She said "yeah, I've been meaning it tell you that you look too small. It's gotten past the point where it looks good anymore, and you're starting to look gross." Hah! If there's one thing I love about Sue it's her bluntonesty. Sometimes I hate it too, but today she made me laugh.

I've heard it before, I mean I've complained about it before. I think the last comment was about Julie, and how she's been bring a lot of home cooked food to work lately. Really good home cooked food. It's been very hard to log everything in fitday lately because of it. I'm sure I underestimate the calories. Specifially I'm underestimating the fat content. Good fat of course, she uses a lot of olive oil. Today she brought some salmon and rice. Ahhhh, great stuff. But I'm a little worried she might be partially doing it because she's been saying I'm getting too skinny.

I thought about it. I think about things a lot, especially when I hear it from two different people. Even today Sue brought it up to Kim, and Kim said "yeah, I think he looks good now, but I wouldn't go any further." I keep saying that I want to stay around the same weight, maybe a bit less, but build some muscle. That's been the plan for a while now.

None of these people have known me when I was smaller than this. I think that has a lot to do with why they can't see me looking good with a little less of me to go around. I'm not at my ideal weight... it doesn't matter what I look like to them! I know guides are not accurate, but there are a lot of estimates that point to me being on the upper side of a healthy weight.

As far as BMI is concerned, right now I'm 24.9. That's exactly the upper end of a healthy weight (18.5 - 24.9). Actually, that's how I was last week... this week I'm over a little.

I've done a couple body fat calculators... there are many out there. Some use different measurements from different parts of your body. I also have my scale. Between all of the ones I've done, I'm somewhere around 22-25% body fat. I've been reading 15-18 is healthy, and athletes can be 5-12. Yeah, HUGE difference there.

Some calculators go a little crazy. This one tells me my ideal weight is 134! I have a small frame. Always have. Most others I've seen though aren't quite so extreme. This one says I should be 158. I'm somewhat close there. This one estimates it to be 139-169. Pretty big range there! Hah. I've determined that I looked and felt best when I was around 145-150... so what's the big deal?

I like to concentrate on the parts of me that I'm happy with. I'm happy with the fat I have from the chest up. I can deal with a bit of the double chin, I know my skin isn't as elastic as it used to be. My arms, while small look like they'll be able to show off some definition when I start working them. Everything from my waist down I'm very happy with... ;) It's just this pot belly and love handles that I'm tired of dealing with.

I know you can't target fat loss, but that's the only place I really have any to lose! If I lose any fat it has to come from there! That's the plan.

I found a link to this article about manorexia yesterday, but I can't find the original blog. In the comments a lot of women spoke up and said something about how they want their men to have a bit of meat on them. They don't want to deal with someone who's all skin and bones. I understand that completely. I love women with some meat too... did I mention my current crush on Sara Ramirez? Fuck, she's hotter than hot!

But that's not necessarily what I want for me. I think there's a bit more to go before I get to the point where I'm done. My weight might not be so bad right now, but I really need to trade this fat for some muscle. I think now is finally the time I shift to working out... lifting weights. I'll still have to watch what I eat... probably closer than I did before. When I was cycling it was easy. Just make sure you eat enough to keep yourself full of energy. Maybe run a 1000 calorie deficit if you really want to. And to make sure you're eating lots of carbs. Simple.

Working out is a different animal completely. It'll be harder to balance what I'm eating with working out. It's a completely different set of needs. Lots of protein, maybe not too much fat. I've been avoiding the softcore gay pr0n magazines (Men's Health and stuff like that), but I think it's time. Time to get a little motivated, especially now that I've hit a plateau for the past month. This is the first month I haven't lost any weight since I started! Crazy stuff!

Tomorrow I'm going to have a talk with Phil so I can see what I need to do to get started... for real this time!

As an aside... holey shit did I ever have another good day shopping today! There's a Winners that opened up near my work recently, and I had no idea how much cool stuff they have! I'm going to have to make regular visits to check on their new stock when I go next door to Starbucks (gawd, I'm such a mindless consumer... when the hell did this happen)?

I absolutely love that I can go into a store, try on anything in a medium and have it fit well! Same with 32/32 pants! Sport coats or blazers or whatever you call them, I haven't figured out yet. I've never really worn one before. I think 40 is about right so far. Maybe more, maybe less. My way too big for me suit is a 42, but some of the stuff I tried on the past two days was a little tight around 38. Ehhh, whatever. I bought three pairs of proper dress pants. Lovin' it! I want to wear these all the time now! This is bloody fun!

Then again... since when did I start caring what other people think?